Never easy… I did it for many years. My daughters loved me despite their mother’s bitterness. They had medical issues, I stayed for them. But after 9/11 things changed and I had to as well. Would be happy to talk and chat to get you through. Your children are young adults. They have their own minds I hope. Have you tried reaching out to them?
Yes, we all lied. But why?! Because the world told us from INFANCY THAT, if we were honest, wewould be DESTROYED, that we would lose everything. What would any human do to under that kind of duress?! Yes I lied. Yes you lied. Until we finally got the courage to face the fears the world had drilled into us... When the risk of annihilation was a better option than continuing the lies they all demanded of us for their comfort. May time being peace between you and your children who you so clearly dearly love. 🙏🙏❤️
I’m going to do my best to behave but everyone has something or other that they don’t reveal or share. Sorry but I’m willing that you Ex has something or other that hasn’t been revealed.
Trying to keep a family together and doing so by sacrificing your happiness or peace of mind is a form of survival.
No one’s perfect. Did your family get their feelings hurt? Yes
But belittling you and trying to ruin your reputation is pretty low.
I’m sorry this is all getting stirred up for you again Charlie!
Something is forgotten here. Had you been able to come out, to be true to yourself before you married, your children would not exist. Your ex would likely be ok with that, but hopefully someday your children will realize as much
I’ve always had issues with being labeled a liar because I was gay and I married a woman. Somehow my intentions were deceitful which made me a liar. At the time of my marriage, I genuinely did not understand or recognize my sexuality. If anything, I was lying to myself.
Based on what I knew at the time, I was being true to myself and to my wife.
This is not a simple, black and white issue.
It took years into my marriage, even after my girls were born, that I began to understand my sexuality. It was a process, not a lie.
For me, sexual orientation was fluid, a journey of self discovery. I began to realize I was gay, but by then, the pressures of my community and the church made it difficult to admit to myself, much less to my wife, my children, my family. What was I supposed to do? Spill the beans and lose everything? I knew if I disclosed my sexuality, it would be traumatic for my family…feelings of betrayal, confusion and time wasted.
So I guess I got to a place that you describe, Charlie. YES, I LIED.
It became my secret life. It was my way to survive and attempt to live authentically, even if I had to lie about it. I came to the realization that even after we divorced, her inability to accept our situation was more about her trauma than it was a reflection of my worth. Everyone in my(our) circle accepted me, except her.
Understandable, I suppose.
She never accepted me. Yes, she had pain, but it was her pain.
I have come to accept myself and the decisions I made. I had pain and I dealt with it, and still do.
I bet your wife lies too, so don’t think that you are the only one at fault. Your ex-wife has huge responsibility in all this, while she is hurt of her own situation she should not influence your kids. And, sorry to say that, but if they are young adults and not kids they need to start acting as such, especially if you have and keep reaching out….
OMG YES YES YES to what Vincent and Michael said above about lying where there is no other option - this is exactly what i was going to say. Both of those hit me hard and i was screaming YES I'm my head, esp Michael's post. If you want any human being to be honest, you have to give space for honesty to be ok. Society does not. For me, it very much felt like your marriage will be over if you tell the truth. If that's the case then why tell the truth? And if I'm going to say I'm gay, might as well just ask for a divorce. But then Michael went the step further that happened to me - fluidity. Everyone's acting like we knew this 100% on Day 1 and just hid it and lied but, like Michael, it took me years of introspection and unraveling my thoughts to finally come the conclusion that I'm queer and on the spectrum. And without freedom and experimentation, even now as a 58yo, am i gay? Am I bi? I'm still not exactly sure other than i enjoy sex with a man... So what exactly am i "confessing" to? Liking penises? Ok. Sure.
Never easy… I did it for many years. My daughters loved me despite their mother’s bitterness. They had medical issues, I stayed for them. But after 9/11 things changed and I had to as well. Would be happy to talk and chat to get you through. Your children are young adults. They have their own minds I hope. Have you tried reaching out to them?
Yes, we all lied. But why?! Because the world told us from INFANCY THAT, if we were honest, wewould be DESTROYED, that we would lose everything. What would any human do to under that kind of duress?! Yes I lied. Yes you lied. Until we finally got the courage to face the fears the world had drilled into us... When the risk of annihilation was a better option than continuing the lies they all demanded of us for their comfort. May time being peace between you and your children who you so clearly dearly love. 🙏🙏❤️
I’m going to do my best to behave but everyone has something or other that they don’t reveal or share. Sorry but I’m willing that you Ex has something or other that hasn’t been revealed.
Trying to keep a family together and doing so by sacrificing your happiness or peace of mind is a form of survival.
No one’s perfect. Did your family get their feelings hurt? Yes
But belittling you and trying to ruin your reputation is pretty low.
I’m sorry this is all getting stirred up for you again Charlie!
🫶🫂🫶
Something is forgotten here. Had you been able to come out, to be true to yourself before you married, your children would not exist. Your ex would likely be ok with that, but hopefully someday your children will realize as much
I’ve always had issues with being labeled a liar because I was gay and I married a woman. Somehow my intentions were deceitful which made me a liar. At the time of my marriage, I genuinely did not understand or recognize my sexuality. If anything, I was lying to myself.
Based on what I knew at the time, I was being true to myself and to my wife.
This is not a simple, black and white issue.
It took years into my marriage, even after my girls were born, that I began to understand my sexuality. It was a process, not a lie.
For me, sexual orientation was fluid, a journey of self discovery. I began to realize I was gay, but by then, the pressures of my community and the church made it difficult to admit to myself, much less to my wife, my children, my family. What was I supposed to do? Spill the beans and lose everything? I knew if I disclosed my sexuality, it would be traumatic for my family…feelings of betrayal, confusion and time wasted.
So I guess I got to a place that you describe, Charlie. YES, I LIED.
It became my secret life. It was my way to survive and attempt to live authentically, even if I had to lie about it. I came to the realization that even after we divorced, her inability to accept our situation was more about her trauma than it was a reflection of my worth. Everyone in my(our) circle accepted me, except her.
Understandable, I suppose.
She never accepted me. Yes, she had pain, but it was her pain.
I have come to accept myself and the decisions I made. I had pain and I dealt with it, and still do.
Very sad indeed. You do what you can and need to do. Hopefully one day your kids will come around and realize what an amazing father they have.
Good to communicate.
I bet your wife lies too, so don’t think that you are the only one at fault. Your ex-wife has huge responsibility in all this, while she is hurt of her own situation she should not influence your kids. And, sorry to say that, but if they are young adults and not kids they need to start acting as such, especially if you have and keep reaching out….
Always available. Reaching out, no response
OMG YES YES YES to what Vincent and Michael said above about lying where there is no other option - this is exactly what i was going to say. Both of those hit me hard and i was screaming YES I'm my head, esp Michael's post. If you want any human being to be honest, you have to give space for honesty to be ok. Society does not. For me, it very much felt like your marriage will be over if you tell the truth. If that's the case then why tell the truth? And if I'm going to say I'm gay, might as well just ask for a divorce. But then Michael went the step further that happened to me - fluidity. Everyone's acting like we knew this 100% on Day 1 and just hid it and lied but, like Michael, it took me years of introspection and unraveling my thoughts to finally come the conclusion that I'm queer and on the spectrum. And without freedom and experimentation, even now as a 58yo, am i gay? Am I bi? I'm still not exactly sure other than i enjoy sex with a man... So what exactly am i "confessing" to? Liking penises? Ok. Sure.