YES, I LIED
Most of you know, I was married for 30 years, and have 2 children; boy-girl twins 23. Actually, 24 is 2 days. I have not seen or spoken to them in nearly 3 years.
I am currently embattled with their mom over financial issues.
Yesterday, I received notice of a declaration she submitted to the courts. Frankly, it’s all nonsense. Making huge assumptions, mostly false, about who I am and my faults as a closet gay man and dad.
I ignore most of it the best I can, but one comment stung…
In the document she states, “the reason that my ex, her entire extended family and my children do not speak with me, or even acknowledge my existence, is because I lied to them about my true sexuality.”
Granted, I lied to them, to EVERYONE, for over 60 years.
I raised my kids to be loving, kind, and compassionate. Over the past 40 years, their mom, my ex-extended family-in-law, and the greater community of family and friends, made it clear that LYING, in any form, was a cardinal sin, punishable by excommunication. By culture and religion, they are not a forgiving people. If you lie, disrespect and bring shame upon the family, you are erased, dead to them.
So I lied. And I’m being punished. I could care less about the family, not knowing me is their loss, but I deeply care about the relationship with my kids. I don’t know what they have been told; the ramifications if they contact me, or why I am not allowed to be a part of their lives. There choice? Or a decision forced upon them by the adults around them.
Today, I still carry the shame and guilt for lying to my family, to the world, but especially to my kids. The “feeling shitty” about it all had been tamped down over the last year or so, but it has all come raging back with the revelations I just learned about yesterday.
I hope what was said about me was just bluster to get in favor of the courts, and my kids will eventually think for themselves and remember I am still a great dad and will always love and be there for them.
The silence is killing me. The guilt tears me up. Even more now. I am only human after all.
Never easy… I did it for many years. My daughters loved me despite their mother’s bitterness. They had medical issues, I stayed for them. But after 9/11 things changed and I had to as well. Would be happy to talk and chat to get you through. Your children are young adults. They have their own minds I hope. Have you tried reaching out to them?
Yes, we all lied. But why?! Because the world told us from INFANCY THAT, if we were honest, wewould be DESTROYED, that we would lose everything. What would any human do to under that kind of duress?! Yes I lied. Yes you lied. Until we finally got the courage to face the fears the world had drilled into us... When the risk of annihilation was a better option than continuing the lies they all demanded of us for their comfort. May time being peace between you and your children who you so clearly dearly love. 🙏🙏❤️