Maybe the setback on social media isn’t such a bad thing as you might think. You now have some quiet time to really think and feel. Our stories are very similar, however, in my case I gave away the farm because I had shame.
I read The Velvet Rage very early on after my divorced. I hated the first stage, “ Dealing with Shame.” I wasn’t ready to listen. I re-read the book sometime back, and I was in a complete different state, and I finally understood what “ Shame,” really meant.
I am 11 years into my journey, and it’s still not at all unusual to look back into the past and romanticize about it. Luckily, my ex-wife and I were and still are best friends ( It took a lot of hard work). Getting back to the shame aspect of Down’s book I really had to understand what he was saying especially about the difference between shame and guilt. I hope you continue to grow on your journey, and hey, there are much worse places to live than San Miguel de Allende!
“ In The Velvet Rage, Stage One is the foundational trauma of the gay male experience. Alan Downs describes this phase as the birth of the "split self."
Here is a summary of how shame operates during this initial stage:
1. The Survival Strategy: Hiding
For most gay men, Stage One begins in childhood. The child senses—often before they even have a word for their sexuality—that a core part of their identity is "wrong," "sinful," or "dangerous." To survive in a heteronormative environment (family, school, church), the child develops a False Self.
* The Mask: You learn to monitor your voice, your gestures, and your interests to avoid detection.
* The Wall: You become an expert at keeping people at a distance to ensure nobody sees the "flawed" person inside.
2. From "Doing" Bad to "Being" Bad
Downs makes a critical distinction between guilt and shame:
* Guilt: Feeling bad about an action (e.g., "I did something bad").
* Shame: A core belief about identity (e.g., "I am bad").
In Stage One, the shame is so pervasive that it becomes the lens through which you see the world. You don't just feel like you’re keeping a secret; you feel like your very existence is a mistake that must be managed.
3. Hyper-Vigilance
Because the "threat" of being found out is constant, a gay man in Stage One lives in a state of chronic stress. This leads to Hyper-Vigilance: constantly scanning the room, judging others' reactions, and obsessing over how you are being perceived.
4. The Roots of "The Rage"
The "Rage" mentioned in the title begins here. It is the result of the exhaustion and resentment that comes from:
* The constant effort of performing a character.
* The unfairness of having to hide while others live openly.
* The deep sadness of not being loved for who you actually are.
> The Stage One Paradox: You spend all your energy trying to be loved and accepted, but because you are presenting a "False Self," any love you receive feels hollow—because you know it’s not actually for you.”
Charles, what an excellent emotional post. As a 71-year-old who has been out for almost 50 years, I can tell you that coming out is never done. However, the first steps you take are the most impactful. Your writing shows me that you are on the right track. Writing is good therapy and I also do it on Medium as a gay man. Be yourself, that's all that really counts now and in the future.
Have you thought about starting a website and promoting yourself and not relying on the whims of social media? Can you do anything with BlueSky or Upscroll or other SM platforms that aren’t Meta? Just my thoughts, for what they’re worth.
This was my first thought too. I work in software for a living so I don't think twice about leaving a platform or joining a new one. And I read Charles post where he explained that he has 20 years built into the Meta platform, so i understand for those who don't work with software everyday, it can feel overwhelming to start over. And for those users like Charles, i think they just want the technology to work cuz they don't have brain cycles to think about the platform. But Meta is clearly not working for him any longer and it FEELS quite honestly now that they are working against him. And the platform is only half of the equation for him - even if someone volunteered to throw a site up for him in 15 minutes, he has to disconnect everyone from Meta and port them over to the new site. Charles probably has to market and advertise that new site - without being able to redirect anyone from him old accounts because they are currently suspended. But I'm hoping Charles has enough energy to not take this lying down - he appears pretty beat up rn - understandably so. But i would advise him also to work on putting his own site up for his professional work and as soon as Meta reinstates his accounts, start pointing everyone to the new site. But what a ginormous pita and so unnecessary. I feel so badly for Charles and am pulling for him - he def needs a friggin break!
I think for all of us, it’s all about me. Each of us starts from that perspective. We may depending upon our mental health or situation hold those off long enough to hear others, and they us. But at our cores. Yes. It’s all about each us and how we fit. Or don’t fit. I no longer choose to see that as selfish nor negative. Yes. In my best self I can engage with that in mind. But sometimes I need to let others fully have it. Just like sometimes I expect them to do the same for me
Maybe the setback on social media isn’t such a bad thing as you might think. You now have some quiet time to really think and feel. Our stories are very similar, however, in my case I gave away the farm because I had shame.
I read The Velvet Rage very early on after my divorced. I hated the first stage, “ Dealing with Shame.” I wasn’t ready to listen. I re-read the book sometime back, and I was in a complete different state, and I finally understood what “ Shame,” really meant.
I am 11 years into my journey, and it’s still not at all unusual to look back into the past and romanticize about it. Luckily, my ex-wife and I were and still are best friends ( It took a lot of hard work). Getting back to the shame aspect of Down’s book I really had to understand what he was saying especially about the difference between shame and guilt. I hope you continue to grow on your journey, and hey, there are much worse places to live than San Miguel de Allende!
“ In The Velvet Rage, Stage One is the foundational trauma of the gay male experience. Alan Downs describes this phase as the birth of the "split self."
Here is a summary of how shame operates during this initial stage:
1. The Survival Strategy: Hiding
For most gay men, Stage One begins in childhood. The child senses—often before they even have a word for their sexuality—that a core part of their identity is "wrong," "sinful," or "dangerous." To survive in a heteronormative environment (family, school, church), the child develops a False Self.
* The Mask: You learn to monitor your voice, your gestures, and your interests to avoid detection.
* The Wall: You become an expert at keeping people at a distance to ensure nobody sees the "flawed" person inside.
2. From "Doing" Bad to "Being" Bad
Downs makes a critical distinction between guilt and shame:
* Guilt: Feeling bad about an action (e.g., "I did something bad").
* Shame: A core belief about identity (e.g., "I am bad").
In Stage One, the shame is so pervasive that it becomes the lens through which you see the world. You don't just feel like you’re keeping a secret; you feel like your very existence is a mistake that must be managed.
3. Hyper-Vigilance
Because the "threat" of being found out is constant, a gay man in Stage One lives in a state of chronic stress. This leads to Hyper-Vigilance: constantly scanning the room, judging others' reactions, and obsessing over how you are being perceived.
4. The Roots of "The Rage"
The "Rage" mentioned in the title begins here. It is the result of the exhaustion and resentment that comes from:
* The constant effort of performing a character.
* The unfairness of having to hide while others live openly.
* The deep sadness of not being loved for who you actually are.
> The Stage One Paradox: You spend all your energy trying to be loved and accepted, but because you are presenting a "False Self," any love you receive feels hollow—because you know it’s not actually for you.”
Did you shut down your Bluesky and other more adult accounts? Miss seeing you
Temporarily 😉
Charles, what an excellent emotional post. As a 71-year-old who has been out for almost 50 years, I can tell you that coming out is never done. However, the first steps you take are the most impactful. Your writing shows me that you are on the right track. Writing is good therapy and I also do it on Medium as a gay man. Be yourself, that's all that really counts now and in the future.
Thanks Tom 😉
Have you thought about starting a website and promoting yourself and not relying on the whims of social media? Can you do anything with BlueSky or Upscroll or other SM platforms that aren’t Meta? Just my thoughts, for what they’re worth.
This was my first thought too. I work in software for a living so I don't think twice about leaving a platform or joining a new one. And I read Charles post where he explained that he has 20 years built into the Meta platform, so i understand for those who don't work with software everyday, it can feel overwhelming to start over. And for those users like Charles, i think they just want the technology to work cuz they don't have brain cycles to think about the platform. But Meta is clearly not working for him any longer and it FEELS quite honestly now that they are working against him. And the platform is only half of the equation for him - even if someone volunteered to throw a site up for him in 15 minutes, he has to disconnect everyone from Meta and port them over to the new site. Charles probably has to market and advertise that new site - without being able to redirect anyone from him old accounts because they are currently suspended. But I'm hoping Charles has enough energy to not take this lying down - he appears pretty beat up rn - understandably so. But i would advise him also to work on putting his own site up for his professional work and as soon as Meta reinstates his accounts, start pointing everyone to the new site. But what a ginormous pita and so unnecessary. I feel so badly for Charles and am pulling for him - he def needs a friggin break!
Head held high, your got this.
Hopefully nothing but good and positive things from here out!! 😍😍😍
Charlie, Just stopping by to let you know that I’m thinking of You!
Sending You a Hug, just Because! 🫂🫶💕
I think for all of us, it’s all about me. Each of us starts from that perspective. We may depending upon our mental health or situation hold those off long enough to hear others, and they us. But at our cores. Yes. It’s all about each us and how we fit. Or don’t fit. I no longer choose to see that as selfish nor negative. Yes. In my best self I can engage with that in mind. But sometimes I need to let others fully have it. Just like sometimes I expect them to do the same for me
… the negative is not winning. ~today, perhaps the negative is ahead
The Divine Spirit/ God will see you through. Keep the faith in yourself and all things turning out for good in the end. Take it day by day.
It sucks but You’re gonna get past the roadblocks and BS.
Myself and so many others believe in you and Care about Your wellbeing, Charlie.
Continuing to Send Lots of Love and Hugs
❤️🫂💔❤️🩹❤️💯‼️