THIS TOO SHALL PASS
Over the past 3 years, I have hit every conceivable road block and obstacle. Both physically, just staying well without health care and a reliable system of treatment, and emotionally, from severe depression to debilitating anxiety that left me crippled.
It all started by coming out. Admitting I am gay. I caused it all, and take responsibility for it all. By upending my life by coming out; loosing everything I have ever owned, to destroying my children’s life as they knew it, and now living with the consequences of an ex-wife who despises me and looks to take down through legal and financial battles.
Being gay, in Mexico. Learning to like, even love myself, and to know men. Never having had male friendships all my life, the learning curve was intense.
Leaving the US with nothing, landing in San Miguel, why? Where else would I go. So making the best of it. No real plan, just better than where I was.
Needing to work. Probably will never retire, can’t afford to. Gave away my multimillion dollar life, which ensured my comfortable life, was all left to my ex and kids. Why? Guilt probably. Making up for making a mess of everything. Ultimately, didn’t have the courage to fight for any of it.
I’m trying to make the best of what I’ve been dealt. Of what I created for myself. Was it all worth it? Jury is still out on that.
So this too shall pass? The take down of my internet presence. How much more can one take. I’m fighting an uphill battle with boulders constantly crashing down on me. Trying to balance the positive with the negative. Right now, the negative is winning, and I can’t keep up.
This too shall pass? Ok, but what the fuck is next?
Maybe the setback on social media isn’t such a bad thing as you might think. You now have some quiet time to really think and feel. Our stories are very similar, however, in my case I gave away the farm because I had shame.
I read The Velvet Rage very early on after my divorced. I hated the first stage, “ Dealing with Shame.” I wasn’t ready to listen. I re-read the book sometime back, and I was in a complete different state, and I finally understood what “ Shame,” really meant.
I am 11 years into my journey, and it’s still not at all unusual to look back into the past and romanticize about it. Luckily, my ex-wife and I were and still are best friends ( It took a lot of hard work). Getting back to the shame aspect of Down’s book I really had to understand what he was saying especially about the difference between shame and guilt. I hope you continue to grow on your journey, and hey, there are much worse places to live than San Miguel de Allende!
“ In The Velvet Rage, Stage One is the foundational trauma of the gay male experience. Alan Downs describes this phase as the birth of the "split self."
Here is a summary of how shame operates during this initial stage:
1. The Survival Strategy: Hiding
For most gay men, Stage One begins in childhood. The child senses—often before they even have a word for their sexuality—that a core part of their identity is "wrong," "sinful," or "dangerous." To survive in a heteronormative environment (family, school, church), the child develops a False Self.
* The Mask: You learn to monitor your voice, your gestures, and your interests to avoid detection.
* The Wall: You become an expert at keeping people at a distance to ensure nobody sees the "flawed" person inside.
2. From "Doing" Bad to "Being" Bad
Downs makes a critical distinction between guilt and shame:
* Guilt: Feeling bad about an action (e.g., "I did something bad").
* Shame: A core belief about identity (e.g., "I am bad").
In Stage One, the shame is so pervasive that it becomes the lens through which you see the world. You don't just feel like you’re keeping a secret; you feel like your very existence is a mistake that must be managed.
3. Hyper-Vigilance
Because the "threat" of being found out is constant, a gay man in Stage One lives in a state of chronic stress. This leads to Hyper-Vigilance: constantly scanning the room, judging others' reactions, and obsessing over how you are being perceived.
4. The Roots of "The Rage"
The "Rage" mentioned in the title begins here. It is the result of the exhaustion and resentment that comes from:
* The constant effort of performing a character.
* The unfairness of having to hide while others live openly.
* The deep sadness of not being loved for who you actually are.
> The Stage One Paradox: You spend all your energy trying to be loved and accepted, but because you are presenting a "False Self," any love you receive feels hollow—because you know it’s not actually for you.”
Did you shut down your Bluesky and other more adult accounts? Miss seeing you