COMPLICATED
I am still traumatized.
I have only been out for just over 3 years.
It took me 2 years just to figure out “how to be gay,” completely transforming into a new version of myself that had been buried, hidden within me. Screaming silently for decades wanting to come out.
That leaves me just one year into living my authentic self. Finally beginning to feel comfortable with who I am, with my new identity: yes authentic, but also a bit naive; vulnerable, cautious but also more daring than I ever thought possible.
In one year, I was supposed to figure it all out. How to carry myself, relate, understand, care for and be intimate with other men (when throughout my life I never had male relationships). Men always intimidated me. Still do. Just because they are men. I’ll probably never get over that.
I’m also expected to know how to love myself and others. I’m not there yet. My self-love is challenged by me every day. And I still don’t know how to truly, deeply love others. It’s too complicated, and I’m not ready for it.
Commitment to anything and anyone is still difficult for me. After living on my own, untethered, for 3 years, I’m not ready to settle down, probably never will.
Freedom is hard to come by. But I found it, and am not giving it away. I have fought too hard to let my circumstances or relationships shut down my progress.
I have learned one thing about myself. I can’t do complicated. I have in the past, and don’t like it. I don’t have the will or patience to confront complicated.
Being gay is complicated. There are no rules. It’s a free for all. My life now doesn’t follow any patterns or guidelines that I’ve ever known. So much of it doesn’t make sense, it’s not logical based on everything we have been taught.
It leaves you unsettled, questioning your every choice or decision. It’s exhausting, really. And it is slow to get better because everyday you are facing new challenges and territory. It’s frustrating, exasperating and defeating.
It was easier in my closet.
Being gay is as complicated as we choose for it to be, just as relationships can be as complicated or simplistic as we choose. I know you still have certain definitions, societal norms, of what a ‘normal’ relationship is. You have been a great friend to many over your life, which indicates you’ve had many functional relationships. We place so many expectations on ourselves and others when we add sex into the equation. You know me, I learned my sexual norms from older men on Christopher Street in NYC and the bathhouses. Basically if it feels good it’s normal 🤣. For me, that has always kept it uncomplicated. I’ve treated those I love as my best friend, treating them with the respect I view every friendship deserves. Sex only complicates it when there are different expectations or when one isn’t respecting the friendship. You will figure it out my friend, that I have no doubt
It may have been easier in the closet, but is that necessarily better? I honor the courage it takes to share your journey.