INSPIRATION

From an unexpected place…

“You know you’ve succeeded in life when your kids want to spend time with you when they grow up.”

– Paul Orfalea, Founder of Kinko's

Many years ago, I ordered a cup of coffee at a Starbucks in my town of Orinda, CA. At that time, they had inspirational quotes – “The Way I See it” – printed on their paper cups, and sleeves to help insulate the coffee and protect the customer from the heat of the beverage. The sleeves covered up the quotes.

I normally would not have paid attention to the quote on the cup, but at some point, the sleeve came off, and I noticed the quote on the cup. The universe offering me a bit of parental advice.

“You know you’ve succeeded in life when your kids want to spend time with you when they grow up.”

I was a new dad – of twins – trying my best to hold it all together. This quote caught my eye, and as usual, observing and holding on to the little clues of life, I kept the cup. It was on a bookshelf in my office. For over 20 years. I probably noticed it every day.

My dad and I had a challenging relationship. I never spent much time with him growing up. He didn’t offer, I never initiated. As I grew older, I really tried, but had less and less interest to be in his company. My dad simply had no capacity to be a father to me. About 15 years ago, I told him “I loved him, but didn’t like him, for the way her treated me.” I didn’t speak to him again. He died earlier this year without ever speaking to me again.

Had he succeeded as a father?

When I became a father, I vowed to be the best dad I could be. Better than my dad was to me. I tried to do everything right. I was loving, nurturing and most of all, present. I knew my kids loved me, appreciated me. My son once said, I think as we graduated high school and was off to college (paraphrasing): “thanks for the life you gave me, for the opportunities to be my best.” He also told me I was one of his greatest mentors, showing him that through challenges and adversity, it’s still possible to succeed and live up to one’s potential.

Throughout their young lives, and into later high school, I spent a lot of time with my kids, at school, sports – both skilled swimmers – and a lot of separate, one-on-one alone time with each of them. Being twins and different genders, they each needed something a little different. I was also a present parent, always curious about their lives, checking in with them to make sure everything was ok with them. As they got older, they shared less, but they knew I was there if they needed me. I was also the parent that balanced the crazy (often exhibited by their over-protective mother).

About 4 years ago, when they were both beginning their junior years of college, I told them that things were not going well for their mom and me, and in the end, it may not work out for us. They both understood. They knew that we were having issues, that their mom was difficult and saw how she treated me. I even told their mom that I wanted a divorce, but she rejected the idea; wanting to fight for our relationship.

Even though I knew our family was going to be changing, I was still committed to the well-being of my kids.

Over the next year, life got complicated. Although I wanted a divorce for a host of other reasons, and being gay wasn’t even in the top 10 reasons why; my being gay ultimately superseded all of the other issues. We separated, and divorced, and our family split apart. Primarily due to their mom’s control over them and our situation, I haven’t seen or spoken to my kids in over 3 years.

This Father’s Day, I was thinking about my kids, that Starbucks cup, and the gentle, random wisdom it shared with me that morning, and carried with me for decades.

For over 20 years, I was doing everything right to have my kids want to spend time with me when they grew up.

Even though they don’t want to spend time with me, it still might happen. Maybe they just haven’t grown up yet. Grown up enough to want to spend time with me. As a gay dad, who at 61 wanted more out of his life. With what time he had left.

I still love my kids and want to spend time with them. If they will let me.